The protesters are high on adrenaline, “defund the cops already.” “Pigs in a blanket, fry them like bacon“. So much emo. There is a lot we say in the thick of a tantrum that makes so much sense and then once we calm down feels really stupid. We are not calm enough yet to figure out that disbanding the police departments across the country will not diminish white cop on black man violence. Nor are we able to agree that anarchy in our streets isn’t better than what we experience now.
Kiddos you learned the Boomer God Way too well. We taught you that you could have all of the seven deadly sins and none of the consequences. You understood that you can refuse responsibility for your own well being or the results of your choices. The BoGo Way doesn’t end well. Sorry that you grew up believing it could.
Who do you think would replace the cops in your neighborhood? Right. Community Boards would manage Community Policing in each neighborhood. Cops would be warm & fuzzy and unarmed. We’d teach them the talk rock technique so they wouldn’t interrupt us when we screamed, “you evil bastard pig. It’s your fault. Stop killing babies and making grandma eat cat food” before throwing a Natural Lime White Claw at their face. Awesome sauce.
Rue Paul for Police Chief
I’ve got stories about lawlessness. More than three. But for this piece, three are enough. First, I joined Taxi Unlimited in 1984. Taxi Unlimited was one of Berkeley’s surviving collectives. It’s heyday had long past when I joined. Taxi Unlimited believed in Marx and Proudhon. They hated the cops. Fights would break out at the office on Blake Street. We dealt with them ourselves.
That’s one. Next, I was an Oakland, CA cab driver when Felix Mitchell’s empire was sun setting. I have a scar on my scalp from two guys who wanted to rape and behead me. No, not good with that. I fought for 15 minutes before the cops showed up.
You know what . . . fuck this. Defund the cops? Y’all crazy. As I listened to talk radio today it turns out that defund the cops really means, “give us more money.” Give who more money? Local ward captains, Democratic Party Community Organizers, Social Services Bureaucrats, the usual suspects when a block grant is posted to the budget. Blue State legislators and governors are sweating because they are broke so the money part of fear and money is gone.
Kinder, Gentler Cops
Let’s brainstorm a bit. What would a committee of social justice warriors create if given a blank slate and tasked with designing a cop? S/he has to have a high intersectionality score. So no white cops and no cis-hetero-men. You know, actual guys. Right, sorry, binary gender isn’t a fact but a cultural construct. I’ll keep that in mind. Let’s go with a transgender who identifies as a woman. Let me translate for the flyover country people: a fucking drag queen.
Fashion. The uniform is huge. It can’t be triggering. Instead of a gun belt equipped with a flashlight, a nightstick, extra magazines, tear gas, a taser, handcuffs, radio, and holstered sidearm our cop will have a cute little backpack made of patent leather–so fash. S/he’ll wear a wool miniskirt fastened with velcro and a Japanese school uniform tunic. Shoes will be platforms with acrylic soles. We can even put little screens in the souls of the shoes that play N.W.A video on repeat. White knee socks, obvi! And of course, thongs and a push-up bra. Gotta give the girls some support!
Gear. All that heavy stuff that is so violent looking needs to go. We’ll give the cop an iPhone and Air Pods, lip gloss, nail polish, a compact with a mirror, kleenex, brochures explaining the talk rock techniques, and an easy overview of Sendero Luminosa principles, a Tide stain pen, ky jelly samples, clean needles, condoms, an 18″ soft dildo, and an iPad. Much better than that scary utility belt. CUTE!
Tuk it In
Patrol car. We should give them a better vehicle. “Ford Explorer” sounds gross. What are they exploring, hmmm? “Ford Taurus” isn’t much better. It’s so misogynistic and homophobic. We need to defund the cops and these obscene cars. Both the Explorer and the Taurus come with twin-turbo V6 engines making almost 400hp. Nobody needs that. I mean, testosterone and a powerful car is just trouble.
We can supply them with an electric Tuk Tuk. These have a range of 55 miles so our new police can’t get into too much trouble. Top speed is 25mph so no more worries about anybody getting chased. Rue Paul can help with the design. It’ll be so awesome!
Precinct buildings. These so need to change. What are these guys doing in there? Paperwork? You can do all that on an iPad. Get dressed? Ok. I can see that. But not lockers. A girl has needs. There is hair & makeup to do. Showers, yeah . . . those are hot. So tear down the locker room and give each cop a vanity with a mirror and lights. Better.
The jails are just wrong. Why are we putting people in cages? Why can’t they just do time-outs in their own neighborhoods? Seriously. If we have to have places to put people while they do their time-outs, can we include a stage with a brass pole? Light the place with UVB lights so everybody will look fabulous. And put in a bar so you can get a free Sex on the Beach and a burger. When we defund the cops we have to make jails that are more fun!
Teach Hair and Makeup
Training. Of course, they don’t need to learn to use a gun because we’ll ban & confiscate all the guns. They do need classes in safe sex, though. And how to instruct someone to safely inject themselves. For conflict de-escalation, we can equip them with triggered kits containing a fleece blanket, juice boxes, fruit roll-ups, coloring books, and crayons. We’ll make special golf carts equipped with mobile safe spaces so people can have a moment when they need it. It makes me want to have a conflict just thinking about it.
All of the above and I can’t get this eye-worm out of my head: a fat, WASP cop with years of experience on the force facing his locker day one after all these reforms are passed. He’s got to take his 60lb beer gut and wrap it in a stripper skirt, learn how to put on a bra correctly, and walk on stripper heels. Then spend ten hours in an electric tuk-tuk responding to calls looking like Divine.
It’s a repeating story. A group of dissidents invents a utopian vision. They conclude that the path to that vision must include abandoning everything that came before it. Scorched earth, start from nothing. American Church history has more than a few examples of utopian movements where the choice was to separate from the larger society and create a walled garden to live in rooted in the movement’s idea of a utopian life. Most of these utopian efforts failed. We still have the Hutterites, the Amish, the Mennonites, and others. To survive these have had to learn to coexist with the rest of the country.
Antifa took over District 3 in Seattle and declared it to be an autonomous zone independent of our country. They invited some homeless people and banned the cops. The homeless people took all their food so now they are posting on Twitter that they need food. AntiFa failed to consider us, the outliers, and how we treat young romantics who believe they can do utopia better than their parents. These young romantics are prey.
Also in District 3 a local drug lord paid them a visit while they were painting graffiti on a building. He told them to stop, they would not, so he fought them and won.
There might be some cops who would suck it up and wear the drag outfit and patrol in an electric Tuk Tuk. A whole lot more would walk off the job and pay a visit to the gun store. Very soon after the cops are defunded the unintended consequences of anarchy will injure the people who thought this was a great idea. The cosplay drag queen cop shtick would be a growing non-starter.
Already, “defund the cops” is turning into “fund Democrat Party NGOs so we can get paid“. Blue states and blue municipalities are broke. They need a new hustle since Trump has been yanking the IV lines they’ve had that are supplied by hanging bags of Uncle Sam’s money.
A Nap Sounds Awesome
We are fine, America. The more asshat dissidents are losing so they are doing desperate things to stay in the headlines. The trend is away from them. The news got their traffic, politicians got their 15 minutes, and the rest of us realized we wanted to keep our jobs so we went home. When the asshats demanded more rioting we told them we wanted a nap.
These things have a cycle similar to the abuse cycle. Abuse cycle? Yes. Event, apology, depression, honeymoon, and tension building. The event happened so we are past that. We’ve been doing a lot of apology these last two weeks. People are accepting the apologies mostly. BLM and Antifa can’t because they are Shining Path and it’d be a carnal sin if they ever gave up the struggle. So next up is depression and honeymoon. Then we shall see.