Mal Zeedick

Posted on 8-November-202022-February-2021 by Alan Webb

The Mao Zedong (Mal Zeedick) story is still large in the imaginations of millions. It is to him that millions devote themselves. This is whom they worship: an addict who hungered for power and loved sadism. So the devotees of Maoism worship gluttony, power and violence. Just like their god, 黄猴阴茎毛泽东.

The coronation of Emperor BiteMe has been announced with hot, hard fanfare by the Court Jesters. All the usual promises of money and fear are celebrated today. Long Live Emperor BiteMe and his courtesan Kumlala Harrasem.

“But socialism has never been done correctly. And those that tried it didn’t try hard enough.” I dunno, 100 million dead and growing is pretty hard. Mao Zedong’s heart was pretty hard. BLM and Antifa, is this the hard heart you desire?

The story is huge for socialism. Socialists live by the approved story. All disciples of 毛澤東哲學 the Mal Zeedick Way download and embody 黄猴阴茎每日新闻. Socialism is folly. 黄猴阴茎哲学 is even more ridiculous without a founding story of victimhood perpetrated by the oppressors.

Death to White Supremacy

Lately, American Socialism has leveled the charges of racism and white supremacy at anyone who isn’t a disciple of 毛澤東哲學, anyone who isn’t of the orthodox ancestry, anyone who is even modestly better off, and anyone on their enemies list. So, pretty much everyone who isn’t a member of the party is 反共黨. Being a party member isn’t safe, though. Survival in the party may depend on accusing someone else of being an oppressor.

美國社會主義 (American Socialism) tells a story of oppression, violence, and slavery perpetrated by enemies of the party. So they say, my ancestors arrived in 1619 and since then, life has been fucked for everyone else. The solution is to burn it all down and start over. Somehow, this brilliant idea is novel and never tried. So we must try it hotter and harder.

Decoding 1619 is easy. The two ones are dicks. The 69 is mutual oral sex. So 1619 is a coded reference meaning two men giving each other blow jobs. This post will be demonetized.

By the premise of 1619, laws are for party members. Everyone else is fair game. Because of 1619, nothing of the extant society has a right to exist. The only people with a right to live are party members. The rest of the people on this stolen land must be turned into stinking meat (臭肉).

Destroy Evil Art

Any art depicting Civil War heroes is apostate and must be destroyed. ACAB graffiti sprayed on the walls of businesses shouts the approved story about law enforcement. Oppressed people expressing their anger at centuries of forced shit-show living justifies violence against the cops. Because, obviously, the anger is justified.

Why do I care? I care because some politicians exploit socialist stories to lord over the populace. The hate, violence, oppression, addiction, and cray-cray inspired by 黄猴阴茎毛泽东 has made my craft an insult to good work. Where story once entertained and enlightened it now enslaves and bludgeons.

I have no right to my own story because of my ancestry. My story was stolen from me by followers of 黃猴陰莖哲學. In its place is an imputed story published in 黃猴陰莖每日新聞.

黃猴陰莖每日新聞 is published in time for the usual cube-rat morning alarm of 5:30 am and memorized by party members in time for their arrival at the rat-wheel at 8:00 am. Deja Vu “1984” all over again, “Hey Joey, I heard that Cheeto Satan was caught on video fucking a dog. I always knew he was a pervert“.

All White People Are Evil

This is the orthodoxy concerning non-party members: we are evil. Our sin? Bougie, so, so much bougie it’s disgusting. We cause the strife and struggles of party members by our ancestry. The misery of party members has a single cause: white people.

Let’s define a phrase—white people. White people are not just my ancestors. There are not enough white people to fill the graves and satisfy the bloodlust of the party. White people are anyone who isn’t a member of the party. Never mind that a good number of party members are . . . wait for it . . . wait . . . white people.

The most disgusting white people are anyone who has even a drop of African ancestry and has succeeded in building a bougie life. Why? Being bougie is bad enough. Being more or less brown/black and bougie is a horror.

Mal Zeedick Mao Zedong portrait — AFP/Getty Images

The Mal Zeedick Story Matters

How does this connect to my craft? Well . . . a topic of mine for at least four years has been the way in which story informs behavior. If your operating story is socialist then your life is stained by gluttony, rife with a hunger for power, and tormented by the consequences of the violence around you. Your operating story does not allow for justice or peace.

Socialism loses its founding reason if justice or peace is ever achieved. The entire existence of socialism is anchored on strife. To be socialist is to be a sadistic, hateful addict bent on destruction. Why? The founding story is built on hate.

“But socialists are peace-loving, caring people. They are not advocates of violence.” Liar. The core narrative of socialists is a codependent story of being oppressed because some others perpetuate slavery and violence on party members. How is that loving?

Murder White Privilege Story

White people have to behave in a manner approved by the party so that party members can get justice and give white people peace. The Party’s peace is in the hands of white people. I am white people. Do me a favor, let me give back the power you claim I have. I don’t want it.

Socialism is a creature of our lizard brain’s itch to fight. The fight is the existential reason for socialism. So good socialists fight.

From its origins in our lizard brains socialism has fallen into a habit of painting everything the same color. All White People are Evil. No Black Lives Matter. Anyone Who Isn’t White is Oppressed. Glittering generalities abound.

Our Leader Gives Us Truth

Just a reminder for those who beat their middle school logic class out of their heads in search of justice and peace: if one exception can be found to a glittering generality then the claims made by it become false. Too much big Engrish? Let’s do an example: all apples are red. For this to be true there must not be any apples of another color. Most of us would giggle at this absurdity. Socialists would burn any orchard growing non-red apples and punish the farmer for even thinking of harvesting the wrong apples. Hateful non-red apples eliminated. Justice and peace apple achievement unlocked.

It’s never that simple though. Justice and peace in socialist circles resists achievement. First, justice and peace are an existential threat to the party. Next, the party exists in God’s world where free will exists. There is resistance. All the party’s work to achieve paradise has never eliminated cheating and crime. Actually, it is capitalist crime that makes surviving a socialist economy livable. 抵抗萬歲.

We can win against this. Socialism depends on the strict embodying of a hateful story. Destroying Socialism is simple: attack the story. The library of archetypical stories is large. The founding story of socialism is only one of the millions of competing stories available. All we have to do is teach a story that foments compassion. Words matter. Words formed into stories can change lives.

Death to White Privilege Religion

How about this story: over two thousand years ago a Nazarene man sought a place to stay while the Roman census was conducted. His wife was pregnant with a son not his own. They traveled to Bethlehem and could not find a room to stay in. The only place available was the stables. The only bed for their newborn was a feeding trough. Baby Jesus was born homeless to Jewish parents. This is not an auspicious start for a future king.

Much absurdity ensues. This Nazarene Jew named Jesus so completely angers his church leadership that they demand his crucifixion by the Romans. Jesus is crucified. The end? No. Three days later he reappears alive. Absurd? Absolutely. True? Well . . . Jesus was either a crackpot or he was telling the truth. You decide.

Disciples of Christ follow a way of life rooted in love. It is antithetical to Socialism. 黃猴陰莖哲學 Mal Zeedick Philosophy seeks collective justice from its enemies. Reformed Christians say that redemption is individual. Each of us must answer for our sins and pursue union with Christ. Socialism’s heart of hearts beats with blood made of hate. The Way of Jesus of Nazareth (דרכו של ישו מנצרת) has a heart that bleeds with the blood of the lamb, Jesus. Its story is one of triumph over extraordinary strife by self-sacrificing love.

There is Only Mal Zeedick

This is a story of two kings. One, 黄猴阴茎 (Mal Zeedick), created a way of life rooted in gluttony, violence, and an insatiable hunger for power. 耶稣 died and took sin and death with him to Hell. On the third day, 耶稣 rose again from the dead. The kingdom of Christ has a core of self-sacrificial love. The kingdom of 黄猴阴茎 (Mal Zeedick) rules over a castle built on hate for its enemies.

Hate never wins in any of the archetypical hero tales I am aware of. Love wins. 耶稣 wins. To be a socialist is to be on the losing side. We all cross the River Styx one day. Our choice is the story we live on the way to the shores of the River Styx. Is your choice to live the losing story on your journey to the other side?

Black Lives Don’t Matter

Posted on 25-July-20206-September-2020 by Alan Webb

Karen is an archetype symbolic of all the things folk hate about some women. She knows that you are entitled to her opinion. Second, she also knows that you are the problem. Last, she knows with scientific certainty that the answer is the manager. He’ll fix it so we can be happy. The manager can make us all stop saying that Black Lives Don’t Matter.

The Karen spoken of in this piece is deeply concerned about the fate of downtrodden black men who are prey to evil white cops. She is sure that there are secret meetings in the basement of local pizza places where they choose their young buck to hunt and kill. Karen, here is the thing. Black Lives Don’t Matter to you.

Karen and her friends while chanting “Black Lives Matter” express a hidden message that on some level, black lives don’t matter. There can’t be successful, contented African Americans. The only Black people they acknowledge are oppressed and downtrodden. Karen and her friends spend hours at Cafe Strada fretting over the desperate lives of those living in the Alcatraz Apartments. It’s exciting to fill the street outside the cafe with a cloud of smoke from Gitanes and sip doppio espresso while bemoaning the tragic lives of those living in Peralta Village. They love to show how much they worship Mao and are down for the cause of battling whiteness.

Karen Cares and You Don’t

Karen is all about her brand. She cares and wants to make sure that you know she cares. Her house is a temple to the things you can buy at Whole Foods. She can’t offer you lunch without a 30 minute PowerPoint deck on the work that went into the PBJ stuck to the roof of your mouth. I mean, the cows from Humbolt County on a farm owned by a friend of hers and are fed the trimmings from hemp plants so the milk has a little CBD in it and it’s raw milk, of course. The peanut butter is hand ground by women who live on a collective farm in Santa Cruz. And the jam she gets from a chef retired from Chez Panisse who makes it from wild blackberries collected from briars still growing on Native American land on Albany Hill.

This is how Karen connects to the “Black Lives Matter” slogan. Karen cares about the downtrodden with a high intersectionality score. She believes her words when she screams, “Black Lives Matter” into the face of a white cop. It’s important to Karen that you know this. It’s also important that you know she was on Harrison Street near Fourth in Berkeley painting “Black Lives Matter” on the sidewalk outside Bette’s Diner. She even got a selfie with one of the cooks.

Karen, here is the thing—you can’t chant, “Black Lives Matter” loudly enough, with enough emotion, to gain the approval of CHAZ/CHOP. I know you have a good heart and mean well. I get it that you hate having anything in your nest that isn’t right. None of that matters, baby.

Fight the Whiteness

Baby, you are white. That makes you the reason The Social Justice Party, Sendero Luminoso, Black Lives Matter, and Antifa are miserable. Eliminating you is their answer to ending their misery. You still live because they need you so that they can keep a veneer of being diverse. Soon enough they won’t need the veneer and your whiteness and bougie ways will be what kills you.

I understand, sweetie. You think that the problem is the statues staining the visual landscape. They are a bitter reminder of our ugly past as slave owners and traders. The statues hurt your eyes and trigger you. So getting rid of them will solve it. Your nest will be made safe.

No Safe Nest

It will not, babe. Your nest will not be made safe once the statues are gone. The Social Justice Party is invested in a long game where the only allowed art is work that celebrates Islam and Mao. I saw you seated outside Bette’s Diner. You won’t be able to wear the Martins, fishnets, hot pants and sheer tank top. The pink hair will get shaved off. All that hotness is offensive to the revolutionaries you believe are your friends. There is a burka in your future.

Everything that isn’t Muslim or Mao is offensive to these revolutionaries. Lately, we were told that soap is racist. Soap. You take pride in showing up to work on time, saving and investing wisely, working hard, and planning for the future. All of these are symbols of your white privilege and consequent deep racism.

Girl, listen, I understand. You want to make the world a better place. You want to feel safe. The Social Justice Party spoke sweet words in your ear and promised you an end to your fear and poverty. Your whiteness and love of the cause is the very thing that puts you high on the target list.

Twitter Said, “Orange Man Bad”

I stopped following you on FB and twitter. There is no point. You are drunk on blue Kool-Aid. I get blue team platitudes and slogans anytime I comment or engage with you. It didn’t take many memes in your feed to understand that you hate Trump. BTW—those basement meetings you worry about are not plans to murder young black men. They are plans to seduce you into becoming a prisoner on a train headed for Manzanar. Your BLM friends are the people behind this, not the Orange Shitweasel named Trump.

Maybe you don’t know why you hate Trump, tbh. And you want to like Biden but he keeps doing stupid shit. It can’t be that the evil orange man could be the answer. He is, though. He is, tbh. Biden and the Democrats don’t want an election. They want a revolution that destroys this country and replaces it with a totalitarian, National Socialist Government. Biden won’t be president. He’s too far gone. There is a cadre of revolutionaries behind Biden that see this as their Great Tribulation. This is their path to the post-apocalyptic paradise with a god-king at the head of a new empire.

Yeah, I’m nuts. The Social Justice Party just wants to create a fairer, more just society where no one suffers from lack. I wish this were so. Marx and Mao created a way of life that only knows strife. They can’t win because success would make them bougie and thus evil. It would also end the strife that is central to being a disciple on the Shining Path.

It’s Your Fault, Cracker

You carry the collective guilt of everyone who isn’t black by your whiteness and privileged upbringing. It is because of you and everyone like you that there is so much misery and oppression. Nothing you say or do is enough to redeem yourself. Your racism is in your blood by your ancestry. No amount of graffiti on Harrison Street changes your innate, deep racism. You were born this way and no amount of encounter sessions to cure you of your whiteness will ever be enough. Karen, these people hate you.

They hate your whiteness. They hate your cute little flat on Northside just up the hill from Euclid. The psuedo-goth leather and lace gear offends their souls. Your good fairy card at Whole Foods makes their hair hurt. It’s a sin that you volunteer at a pet rescue for cats. Your Prius pisses them off. These people hate you just because you are you. Welcome to the cause.

By your incessant shouting that “Black Lives Matter” you expose yourself as a racist. That chant is a tacit admission that you accept the lie that black lives don’t matter. You agree with your Social Justice friends that white folk carry an indelible stain on their lives. Far from being someone who foments love, your fight for the cause is primary evidence that you hate yourself and your kin.

Angerier

I was angrier. My name is Alan Webb and I am a recovering wife beater. I know anger as a drug that is as powerfully addicting as meth. It took me years to recover from a lifelong addiction to anger. Staying sober is still a core spiritual discipline for me. You feel your anger as righteous indignation. The list of things wrong with the world is longer than anyone can recite. The answer is a liturgy of slogans shouted with gusto by the Social Justice warriors in your circles of influence. Never uttered is a solution that could be implemented.

Rock bottom is a thing. Anger has long term health risks. It cycles our bodies through destructive explosive events followed by depression and illness. Anger addicts eventually suffer from heart disease, gastrointestinal problems, and insomnia. Anger destroys relationships. It leaves the addict abandoned and desperate. Anger eats your soul. Life at rock bottom.

I got sober through giving grace. I never asked for grace or mercy from anyone. God asked me to start forgiving, to give grace first. Later on he asked me to serve others through small acts of kindness done with great love. The third element of this trinity is to desire only Christ.

Peace Be With You

I’m just sharing. I’ll never ask you if you are saved. I’m not the guy who will badger you into uttering the prayer. This is a holy fight happening in your heart and the heart of many others. It is God’s fight and I have faith that he will win in the end.

I’ll end here. We all die. Some of us may go to heaven. That’s not important to me. What’s important to me is today, how we live and impact each other today. Choose the Social Justice way and its perpetual unrest or choose life as another lamp lighting the way of mercy and peace. Peace be with you. تصحبك السلامة

CHOPAZ

Posted on 15-June-202029-June-2020 by Alan Webb

I need a break from the insanity. The world is full-on cray-cray. Extremists have taken over a police precinct in Seattle and declared themselves to be an autonomous zone. It’s a move for a caliphate on our soil. Because our rules suck the CHOPAZ folk are going to make their own rules. The mob in control of the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone had a moment and decided that they wanted to be called CHOP. Autonomy has so much responsibility. And I mean, Starbucks on Pine Street is out of coconut milk.

Maybe this is the normal that I’ve been pretending isn’t normal. Maybe the world always was this cray-cray and I’ve just been in denial. Whatever. I need a timeout.

I know why they decided that they wanted to be called Capitol Hill Organized Protest (CHOP). The utopian scorched earth, start over from nothing idea feels so awesome. Clearly everybody else in history was a complete idiot who was fucking clueless when it comes to running utopia. Nobody got it right so the best move is to start from nothing and build it properly.

Clerical Nats for CHOPAZ

Once you do it there is a cloud of concerns buzzing about your head that demands attention. Suddenly stuff like a noise complaint becomes a huge thing because you kicked out the cops. You are bombarded with stupid shit you don’t normally worry about because somebody else takes care of that. Who the hell cares that CHOPAZ is out of baby formula!? Breastfeed! Seriously. So annoying!

These novel lefties who feel so good about themselves are making a classic yungin mistake. They forget that they/we are a node in a vast network of interrelated support. The world is profoundly relational. We need each other to make this shit show work. Throw everything out and decide to rebuild from nothing and you also lose the relationships that make your first world life possible. It’s not fair.

The vanguard of the new age isn’t just making the mistake that they don’t need anyone else. The other mistake is that history is bougie and bougie is evil. They don’t need no stinking history. What they need is to start from nothing and build their utopia the right way. Besides, those other Utopian Revolutions didn’t do it right. I mean, that thing about insanity being a rinse repeat of the past and expecting different results–that’s bullshit, right? Those other guys just didn’t try hard enough. They didn’t do the real Shining Path. These guys will get it right this time.

Next, some of these problems are timeless. God’s Eden before the fall wasn’t complete. His first couple was unable to understand the consequences of their actions. Everything was confusing. Adam couldn’t understand why shitting in the nest he slept in last night would piss off Eve. So, maybe what Eve did was evil. Maybe it disrupted an untenable life.

Free Will is Hard for CHOPAZ

We have had free will and the knowledge of good and evil since then. Did this obviate the possibility of evil? No. Two black men were shot by cops recently. Riots broke out worldwide in response,. Most of our news headlines tell the story of one more evil done. Yet CHOPAZ is led by folk who believe they can get it right this time.

Already in the short life of CHOPAZ the homeless folk they invited in as pets stole their food. A local gang leader assaulted them when one of the CHOPAZ residents decided to paint graffiti on a local business. CHOPAZ kicked out the cops so no help there.

CHOPAZ will not survive. These kids in charge don’t want the ugly work of running a village. Already they decided to change their name to CHOP. This way they can try to get municipal services while mugging evangelists. Village admin and ops work is ugly. This work will go unattended. The backlog of ugly work will become overwhelming.

CHOPAZ Wants to Have Fun

Once the misery gets bad enough CHOPAZ will collapse. It’s not fun being autonomous. CHOPAZ just wants to have fun.

So . . . yeah. I need a break from CHOPAZ, Black Lives S’matter, AntiFa(ke), Angry Creamsicle, Sleepy Joe, Mama Pelosi, Chuck You Schoomer, and all the rest. I need a vacation in Paradise.

There is an IRL Paradise Valley, NV. My Paradise isn’t that. It is, but like the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, it exists in a kind of augmented reality only possible if you have a key to it. Inger has a key. I have one. There are others in the hands of people loyal to its crime lord, Saito Genji (Gene).

‘Cuz I Need a Break

Gene in Paradise

The town is too small to need much in the way of municipal services. Most of the buildings run on wells and septic tanks. The most common internet connection is a jailbroken Hughes Satellite. Nobody pays for cable tv. They steal it. The town is too far from Winnemucca to make laying copper lines cost-effective. Cell service connects by a microwave tower to Winnemucca. One of Gene’s grandkids moderates the cell phone and internet connections.

No, you don’t have a right to free speech in Paradise Valley. Not for free. Gene’s friends enforce the law as they see fit. There is a magistrate that comes from Winnemucca once a month. Gene sees to it that the magistrate’s biggest decision is the size of the steak he’ll eat while in town and which girl will take care of him.

Gene is simple. Behave, pay him a bribe, or die. His definition of criminal assault is hurting any of his people at all. His sentence usually results in a 90-minute ride to Winnemucca to get patched up. Or the same ride in a body bag. Criminal assault for anyone else is decided on whether you are bleeding or ambulatory. If you are not bleeding and you are ambulatory then it may have been assault but it isn’t criminal. He doesn’t care about the seven deadly sins as long as he can make money on it. With no real municipal authority, there are no local taxes. Gene does extort protection money from independent businesses. He keeps that fee down so it’s affordable. Unless you piss him off. Then the move is to fold your business and leave town–walking as a first choice but on a stretcher otherwise.

We Don’t Need Cops

There is a volunteer fire company. Gene likes American Fire trucks so the town’s equipment is always less than 3 years old and top-notch. Ditto the ambulance. One of Saito’s friends has a cop car he uses to scare outsiders into paying a fine for “speeding” on the town’s only road. The friend is a lifelong BJJ and Hyoho Niten Ichi-Ryu disciple. This friend isn’t a cop. But this friend is also someone you want to respect and comply with.

Tsuba

The magical realist aspect of Paradise Valley comes in how you get there. If you take a road trip to the IRL Paradise Valley you won’t find Gene and his friends. To get to my Paradise Valley you need a special tsuba. This tsuba is a key that opens a portal to Paradise Valley. There is a portal in my living room closet and other places around the country and Japan. These tsubas are closely guarded by Gene. Thieves that steal one are hunted down and killed.

Paradise Valley is a refuge for outliers, criminals, adventurers, addicts, and crazies who just want to be left alone. Most everyone there has some sort of scarlet letter past that got them jail time and/or shunning. There is a Father Thomas, who is one of the priests accused of having sex with underage boys. He lives in a manse on the property of a former Baptist church. Father Thomas is guilty of publishing apologetics that ran cross to his cardinal. The cardinal was the one with a taste for young dick. No matter, Father Thomas needed to be gone so . . .

Would CHOPAZ folk be allowed in? Saito-san sells tsuba to tourists so they can come to get high, drink, gamble, fuck, and eat. These tsubas are tracked and once the money is gone or the reservation expires they go dark. Gene’s staff sees to it that the tourists make it home safe. Those that resist get a ride in the ambulance—sometimes in a body bag. So as long as CHOPAZ can pay and behave they would be allowed to visit.

By Chensiyuan - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=70662680 — Shangri La

Viva Paradise Valley

Paradise Valley is like a magical realism Yakuza Las Vegas. It exists to empty your wallet by offering you a walk on the wild side. There is no pretense of utopia in Paradise Valley. Saito-san cares about cleaning out your bank account. He needs the things that locating himself in Nevada brings him. He’d shoot anyone who suggested seceding from ‘merica. Saito-san has no problem sourcing coconut milk.

One more thing. Genji Saito (斉藤源次) is a graduate of Kyoto University. He is an accomplished calligrapher and bonsai (盆栽) practitioner. Paradise Valley is staffed by Japanese trained in hospitality and hotel management. If you have ever been to Japan you understand the level of obsession with artful attention to detail. Paradise Valley is gorgeous and runs like a beautiful Seiko watch. As long as you stick to your lane you’ll have an incredible vacation.

Paradise Valley is the setting for part of the murder story I’ve had in my head for about five years. It’s the one that is launched by the discovery of a human finger on the back seat of a Cadillac Escalade abandoned in front of my house. One of these days . . .

Defund the Cops Already

Posted on 11-June-202011-June-2020 by Alan Webb

The protesters are high on adrenaline, “defund the cops already.” “Pigs in a blanket, fry them like bacon“. So much emo. There is a lot we say in the thick of a tantrum that makes so much sense and then once we calm down feels really stupid. We are not calm enough yet to figure out that disbanding the police departments across the country will not diminish white cop on black man violence. Nor are we able to agree that anarchy in our streets isn’t better than what we experience now.

Kiddos you learned the Boomer God Way too well. We taught you that you could have all of the seven deadly sins and none of the consequences. You understood that you can refuse responsibility for your own well being or the results of your choices. The BoGo Way doesn’t end well. Sorry that you grew up believing it could.

Who do you think would replace the cops in your neighborhood? Right. Community Boards would manage Community Policing in each neighborhood. Cops would be warm & fuzzy and unarmed. We’d teach them the talk rock technique so they wouldn’t interrupt us when we screamed, “you evil bastard pig. It’s your fault. Stop killing babies and making grandma eat cat food” before throwing a Natural Lime White Claw at their face. Awesome sauce.

Rue Paul for Police Chief

I’ve got stories about lawlessness. More than three. But for this piece, three are enough. First, I joined Taxi Unlimited in 1984. Taxi Unlimited was one of Berkeley’s surviving collectives. It’s heyday had long past when I joined. Taxi Unlimited believed in Marx and Proudhon. They hated the cops. Fights would break out at the office on Blake Street. We dealt with them ourselves.

That’s one. Next, I was an Oakland, CA cab driver when Felix Mitchell’s empire was sun setting. I have a scar on my scalp from two guys who wanted to rape and behead me. No, not good with that. I fought for 15 minutes before the cops showed up.

You know what . . . fuck this. Defund the cops? Y’all crazy. As I listened to talk radio today it turns out that defund the cops really means, “give us more money.” Give who more money? Local ward captains, Democratic Party Community Organizers, Social Services Bureaucrats, the usual suspects when a block grant is posted to the budget. Blue State legislators and governors are sweating because they are broke so the money part of fear and money is gone.

Kinder, Gentler Cops

Let’s brainstorm a bit. What would a committee of social justice warriors create if given a blank slate and tasked with designing a cop? S/he has to have a high intersectionality score. So no white cops and no cis-hetero-men. You know, actual guys. Right, sorry, binary gender isn’t a fact but a cultural construct. I’ll keep that in mind. Let’s go with a transgender who identifies as a woman. Let me translate for the flyover country people: a fucking drag queen.

Fashion. The uniform is huge. It can’t be triggering. Instead of a gun belt equipped with a flashlight, a nightstick, extra magazines, tear gas, a taser, handcuffs, radio, and holstered sidearm our cop will have a cute little backpack made of patent leather–so fash. S/he’ll wear a wool miniskirt fastened with velcro and a Japanese school uniform tunic. Shoes will be platforms with acrylic soles. We can even put little screens in the souls of the shoes that play N.W.A video on repeat. White knee socks, obvi! And of course, thongs and a push-up bra. Gotta give the girls some support!

Gear. All that heavy stuff that is so violent looking needs to go. We’ll give the cop an iPhone and Air Pods, lip gloss, nail polish, a compact with a mirror, kleenex, brochures explaining the talk rock techniques, and an easy overview of Sendero Luminosa principles, a Tide stain pen, ky jelly samples, clean needles, condoms, an 18″ soft dildo, and an iPad. Much better than that scary utility belt. CUTE!

Tuk it In

Patrol car. We should give them a better vehicle. “Ford Explorer” sounds gross. What are they exploring, hmmm? “Ford Taurus” isn’t much better. It’s so misogynistic and homophobic. We need to defund the cops and these obscene cars. Both the Explorer and the Taurus come with twin-turbo V6 engines making almost 400hp. Nobody needs that. I mean, testosterone and a powerful car is just trouble.

We can supply them with an electric Tuk Tuk. These have a range of 55 miles so our new police can’t get into too much trouble. Top speed is 25mph so no more worries about anybody getting chased. Rue Paul can help with the design. It’ll be so awesome!

Precinct buildings. These so need to change. What are these guys doing in there? Paperwork? You can do all that on an iPad. Get dressed? Ok. I can see that. But not lockers. A girl has needs. There is hair & makeup to do. Showers, yeah . . . those are hot. So tear down the locker room and give each cop a vanity with a mirror and lights. Better.

The jails are just wrong. Why are we putting people in cages? Why can’t they just do time-outs in their own neighborhoods? Seriously. If we have to have places to put people while they do their time-outs, can we include a stage with a brass pole? Light the place with UVB lights so everybody will look fabulous. And put in a bar so you can get a free Sex on the Beach and a burger. When we defund the cops we have to make jails that are more fun!

Teach Hair and Makeup

Training. Of course, they don’t need to learn to use a gun because we’ll ban & confiscate all the guns. They do need classes in safe sex, though. And how to instruct someone to safely inject themselves. For conflict de-escalation, we can equip them with triggered kits containing a fleece blanket, juice boxes, fruit roll-ups, coloring books, and crayons. We’ll make special golf carts equipped with mobile safe spaces so people can have a moment when they need it. It makes me want to have a conflict just thinking about it.

All of the above and I can’t get this eye-worm out of my head: a fat, WASP cop with years of experience on the force facing his locker day one after all these reforms are passed. He’s got to take his 60lb beer gut and wrap it in a stripper skirt, learn how to put on a bra correctly, and walk on stripper heels. Then spend ten hours in an electric tuk-tuk responding to calls looking like Divine.

It’s a repeating story. A group of dissidents invents a utopian vision. They conclude that the path to that vision must include abandoning everything that came before it. Scorched earth, start from nothing. American Church history has more than a few examples of utopian movements where the choice was to separate from the larger society and create a walled garden to live in rooted in the movement’s idea of a utopian life. Most of these utopian efforts failed. We still have the Hutterites, the Amish, the Mennonites, and others. To survive these have had to learn to coexist with the rest of the country.

Rinse Repeated

Antifa took over District 3 in Seattle and declared it to be an autonomous zone independent of our country. They invited some homeless people and banned the cops. The homeless people took all their food so now they are posting on Twitter that they need food. AntiFa failed to consider us, the outliers, and how we treat young romantics who believe they can do utopia better than their parents. These young romantics are prey.

Also in District 3 a local drug lord paid them a visit while they were painting graffiti on a building. He told them to stop, they would not, so he fought them and won.

There might be some cops who would suck it up and wear the drag outfit and patrol in an electric Tuk Tuk. A whole lot more would walk off the job and pay a visit to the gun store. Very soon after the cops are defunded the unintended consequences of anarchy will injure the people who thought this was a great idea. The cosplay drag queen cop shtick would be a growing non-starter.

Already, “defund the cops” is turning into “fund Democrat Party NGOs so we can get paid“. Blue states and blue municipalities are broke. They need a new hustle since Trump has been yanking the IV lines they’ve had that are supplied by hanging bags of Uncle Sam’s money.

A Nap Sounds Awesome

We are fine, America. The more asshat dissidents are losing so they are doing desperate things to stay in the headlines. The trend is away from them. The news got their traffic, politicians got their 15 minutes, and the rest of us realized we wanted to keep our jobs so we went home. When the asshats demanded more rioting we told them we wanted a nap.

These things have a cycle similar to the abuse cycle. Abuse cycle? Yes. Event, apology, depression, honeymoon, and tension building. The event happened so we are past that. We’ve been doing a lot of apology these last two weeks. People are accepting the apologies mostly. BLM and Antifa can’t because they are Shining Path and it’d be a carnal sin if they ever gave up the struggle. So next up is depression and honeymoon. Then we shall see.

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