Yo, imagine five epic pillars holding up the entrance to this lit temple. This temple is all about the OG saints of Progressivism. As you vibe with this post, keep asking yourself—are you loyal enough to the Squad and these pillars? Let’s kick it off with grievance.
First, I used Microsoft’s Copilot to edit the voice of this post into Gen-Alpha slang. I’m a boomer. Gen-Alpha slang is a distant third language for me. Next, chill out. Everyone’s on edge, chasing that next dopamine hit from the latest drama. I’m just here for the LOLs. Hating on me just boosts my clout. My rep’s already trash, so more shade? No biggie. We cool? Cool..
Grievance
What’s your beef? Who’s making you doubt yourself? Don’t say it’s you—that’s a major no-no. Rule one: it’s never your fault. Someone or something is holding you back. No exceptions. And remember, being privileged or bougie? Total cringe. You don’t wanna be that.
Also, while you need some health and skills to survive, don’t flex it too much. Better to look like you’re struggling. Perfect your sob story. Make it so real you don’t even have to think about it. Make the Big Boss proud.
Hate is love, love is hate. Love nothing. Anxiety is a double win—it’s both a grievance and a struggle. Hate everything. Keep that anger ready for when the Big Boss calls.
The legends of Maoism hated inequality. They wanted what their enemies had. Marx’s beef was with those living better than him. Mao hated anyone with more power. They resented their lack of power and wealth. They wanted more.
Malady
Mao couldn’t sleep and got hooked on drugs. Marx had a nasty skin disease. As a five pillar candidate, that’s awesome!
Don’t be healthy. You can’t be woke and healthy. Best case, you live on Oreos, Doritos, and full-strength Pepsi. Weed is better than tobacco these days. Add a mental illness for good measure. Anxiety is a fave—it messes with your heart, hormones, and stomach. Triple win.
So, what’s your struggle? Know your ailment. The best defense against MAGA demons is to rant about all your issues. It makes them squirm and leave.
Kink
Kink is crucial. Only evil MAGA demons marry and stay monogamous. Don’t do that. The cool thing now is to say you were born in the wrong body. You’re not hetero-cis-normative. If you think you are, you might need an exorcism. Better to identify as your spirit animal or be gender-fluid.
Kink is core. It’s the gateway to mental illness, fulfilling your malady pillar. With kink, you can be a true revolutionary fighting against hetero-normative MAGA demons. Kink fights the sexism of white people.
Kink is the truth. It’s a rush almost better than poppers. The stares and whispers from normies? THE BEST! So AWESOME!! If you can’t do grievance or maladies, at least do some kink. It’ll save you from being outcast by the cool kids..
Addiction
Addiction makes you a top-tier player of the five pillars. It hooks you into all the other Woke Life pillars. Plus, getting addicted is LIT! You feel awesome! Later, it fuels your beefs, struggles, a kink or two, and makes you pick your addiction over God. God is so extra and needy. You don’t need Him. Take another hit instead.
The best part? You can be addicted to anything. I know a dude who’s hooked on compliments. He’ll do anything for one. Seriously, anything. Picture this: a community leader, all alpha, wearing a collar and gag just for some praise. Wild, right?
Confession time. Don’t worry, I’m already canceled and this is out there. I framed my anger issues as an addiction to anger. Using the 8 Principles of Celebrate Recovery helped me manage it.
Yeah, I’m bad. Still in recovery. I vote red. I write in first person. If you’re still reading, you might get sucked into the Red Pill Cube. Keep reading, but maybe do a cleansing ritual after. Just saying.
Atheism
God is dead. Of all the five pillars, this one rules. You can’t be a true believer and think God is alive. He has to be dead because the Woke Way saints need to live in your core.
Truth is what the Dear Leaders say. Your senses lie. Anyone who says otherwise is a MAGA demon unworthy of our Dear Leader’s air. Violence is a no-go, but shunning and shaming work great on heretics who debate you on God and reality.
Your God is elected every four years. The current Dear Leader is who you should worship, start your day with, and trust for everything. You don’t need God. You need to try harder to please the Dear Leader.
Your Five Pillar Practice Sucks
Christians say everyone is a sinner. That’s a lie. Bougie people are sinners. They’re the cause of evil. Without them, we’d have a Maoist Utopia where everyone is equal. Don’t be bougie. It’s bad for you. Vivat Seditio!
Here’s what you do: try harder. Confess your privilege daily before a shrine to our Dear Leader and Royal Highness Baroke Insane Obummer (RHBIO). Study Marx and 毛澤東 deeply. In your morning routine, recite from the Little Red Book and the Manifesto. Keep a journal of words from the Spirit of 毛澤東.
He’s silent? Something’s wrong with your discipleship. Check your life for privilege stains keeping Him away. Then confess your privilege to a Party leader.
True Hope and Change
Across the street, where the MAGA demons are fenced off, there’s bluegrass and country jams. The smell of BBQ and burning wood drifts over to the protesters in black block, ready to take over MAGA turf. There’s joy over there.
How? How do they not see the system’s fails and government evil? We keep electing more radical leaders and nothing changes. If anything, it gets worse. There has to be a better way.
There is a better way. His name is Jesus. This low-key stone mason from Nazareth did miracles and preached a message so scary to the empire and church leaders that they had him crucified. On the third day, he rose from the dead and preached for another forty days before ascending to heaven to sit at God’s right hand and judge everyone.
For over two thousand years, people have prayed the sinner’s prayer, given themselves to Jesus, and found true hope and change. The Way of the Five Pillars is a soul cancer. Yes, we all die. How we live, how we die, the story we leave behind, is our immortality. Rome fell, Caesar died, Jesus Lives!