LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE! TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT, MAMA V MAGA! In the blue corner, the reigning, defending champion of the Empire, wearing blue trunks and a cute rainbow sports bra, MAMA! In the red corner, the enemy of God, the evilest, evil, evil contender of all time, the racist, misogynist, transphobic, maga. SORRY! sorry! I didn’t mean to utter that word. I’m just announcing the combatants, don’t hate me. I know, I Know, I KNOW! I already hate myself. I’ll do better, promise!
MAMA is a 6′,11″ 400 lb. Trans Woman, ok, ok, WOMAN, a dear friend of the Dear Leader, Champion of the Party, and Vanguard of the War Against . . . erm, sorry, y’know . . . like . . . Magoo, yeah, him. He has a full, scraggly beard, and shoulder-length, unkempt hair–add lipstick, eyeshadow, and overdone rouge. Yes, “He”. MAMA is a dude. Deal with it.
Triggered? Want me canceled because I dared to say that a ‘uge fat man is a man and not Barbie? Whatever. My prediction? MAGA wins. Why? MAMA is rooted in hate. Hate was born in darkness. Darkness only knows death. It cannot speak of light or victory. John 1:5, “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” What’s that? What does MAMA stand for? You don’t know? Ok, you are supposed to know. But . . . Make America Maoist Again. Remember it because you’ll get in trouble if you don’t.
MAMA Loves YOU!
One more quote, “The communist world, it may be noted, has one big myth (which we call an illusion, in the vain hope that our superior judgment will make it disappear). It is the time-hallowed archetypal dream of a Golden Age (or Paradise), where everything is provided in abundance for everyone, and a great, just, and wise chief rules over a human kindergarten.” Carl Jung, Man and His Symbols, 1964
Now back to our regularly scheduled nonsense, MAMA V MAGA. Mama loves you, kind of. Did you light incense to the Dear Leader this morning? Have you written in your journal about your feelings after reading a page from the most Holy Mao’s Little Red Book? Mama will take care of you, just as long as you behave, understand? Oh by the way, MAMA needs some money to buy oats for her burro, can you be a sweetie and help out
MAGA is Dad. He’s the father of freedom and self-reliance. Overspent this month on Warhammer 40? Mama will bail you out. MAGA will not. Shunned by your New Woke Order friends? MAGA has Coors Banquet in the fridge and smoked brisket warming in the smoker. Also, merch so you can offend your new NWO enemies. MAGA has guns, bow hunts elk in Utah, owns the land he lives on, and drives a mid-century F150 with a gun rack. MAMA divorced MAGA, because, y’know . . . like, total evil, right?
Round 1 FIGHT!
MAMA opens the match with, “I ACCUSE YOU OF CAUSING ALL EVIL! IF YOU WEREN’T ALIVE THE WORLD COULD KNOW PEACE AND PROSPERITY!”
“Do you now?”
“I DO. YOU SHOULD JUST EAT WORMS AND DIE!”
“I’ll pass. Can you tell me, what is a woman?”
“THAT’S A HATEFUL CONSPIRACY THEORY! PREDICTABLE FROM AN EVIL SPIRIT LIKE YOU!” MAMA waves a laurel branch in front of her. “I WAVE AWAY YOUR EVIL ENERGY!” He pulls a Dark Magician doll from his pocket, “I know, honey. Sorry that the mean Tangerine Tyrant hurt your ears. Mama understands,” and puts it back, “SIR! DON’T QUESTION ME!”
MAGA’s face grows a grin, “Triggered a bit?”
“NO! YOU ARE TRIGGERED! OBVIOUSLY, YOU HATE ME AND JUST MY PRESENCE PISSES YOU OFF!”
“Right. What’s the answer to my question?”
MAMA begins to sing, kind of, “I AM WOMAN HEARE ME ROAR!” Mind you, MAMA is a whiskey-voiced baritone. His falsetto is still an alto squeak he can’t maintain when he’s in plena voce. So many long nights, Marlboro Reds, Wild Turkey shots, and Mary Jane(s). This is what a good, loyal NWO WTF does when checkmate is nigh: throw the queen at the opponent.
MAGA slips the attack, “You don’t have an answer.”
“I DON’T NEED AN ANSWER. I AM MY OWN ANSWER. MY TRUTH IS TRUE! YOU HAVE NO TRUTH BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO SPEAK TO ME! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EXIST, DEVIL SPIRIT!”
TKO in Round 1
Alrighty then. MAMA stands frozen for a moment. It’s not clear whether he will attack MAGA or collapse onto the floor in a toddleresque tantrum. A tear traces down MAMA’s face and the first lip quiver arrives, “YOUR A POOPY HEAD!” And, yep, here it is. A huge fat man on his belly beating his fists and kicking his toes on the white tile floor, “I’M TELLING MY DAD ON YOU! HE’LL BEAT YOU UP! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME THIS UPSET!” Classic.
MAGA observes, “DM me when you are done. We are going next door to eat brisket.” MAMA ain’t Helen Reddy. So . . . what does MAMA have that makes her seductive? All that the NWO promises. We will live in a pre-fall utopia incapable of evil or free will. We will own nothing and like it. There will be no need for money because our Dear Leader will provide for our every whim.
Of course, we will need to memorize a book of pithy quotes by this Dear Leader. Why? The Leader’s WTF Party Members can DM us at will and demand that we recite the day’s quote with sufficient verve. Underperformance will impact our social credit score. In the human kindergarten of MAMA a low social credit score is a ‘uge problem.
NWO WTF hate the MAGA World. You have to work to eat. That’s evil. Nothing is provided for, nothing is free. There is no credit. Everybody pays cash. Who owns everything? Whoever bought it. But . . . a Dear Leader and a debit card with an allotment of what is deemed to meet one’s needs? Nope. Think Ayn Rand’s, “Atlas Shrugged“
Harsh. True that. So says MAMA, MAGA is racist, sexist, transphobic, ok, all the evil “ists”. Yet a visit to MAGA’s town and one finds hospitality and grace. Arrive penniless? As long as you are willing to work you’ll be fine. Turns out, everybody is nice!
Major cognitive dissonance. MAMA said MAGA is filled with hate. He said that MAGA is a serial killer who hunts down MAMA people and people of color to execute them with assault weapons. The assault weapons themselves murder the downtrodden in mass shootings! Horrible.
Don’t eat the pecan pie. Or the pulled pork sandwich. The cornbread? Sinful. Forget about the greens. I mean, that’s just too evil to be safe. There is even racist rice–Carolina Gold rice served with local butter and Dead Sea salt. Don’t eat that. You might like it.
What about MAMA? Well . . . the brochures are pretty. Their website is awesome! The main drag is only accessible by high-scoring party members. Everybody else has limited access to east and southside open and night markets. Shortages are frequent and corruption is rampant. Your MAMA-issued debit card won’t buy you anything useful. So most everyone barters or uses cash in grey and black markets.
Disparity and Exclusion
MAMA rules with an iron fist and fickle largess. If she’s feeling it she can be incredibly generous. Most of the time she isn’t feeling it so the extent of her benevolence is that you aren’t dead yet. Nobody likes MAMA. But everyone is terrified of being exposed as anything less than totally devout.
MAGA? Different deal. People hear that he is evil incarnate, that only a select few thrive, and the rest die of gun violence or starvation. But . . . a visit to MAGA’s house and people are polite and respectful. There are people open carrying pistols and shotguns. None of the guns are reigning death on their own. The cognitive dissonance generated by what MAMA said and what one experiences is overwhelming. What’s true?
MAMA infects a culture like a pandemic. Its greatest leaders are often brutal, stupid chieftains. The push is on to achieve world domination from Brussels. It will fail. Because it is based on lies and hate. The spiritual core is dark. The idols are Asherah poles and golden calves. The methods of power are violence, intimidation, and bribery. You can bully and bribe a populace for only so long. Once they stop fearing death and no longer care how much you bribe them MAMA has nothing. The realm will fall soon after.
MAMA will hand you a bag of stolen church food. MAGA will hand you gardening and carpentry tools along with seeds, some chickens, and your first mating pair of goats. The first year will be rough. But then the fruits of your labor will start to arrive and you’ll be able to pay MAGA back in produce and eggs.
So . . . MAMA’s house? It’s a run-down single-wide on the New Mexico side of the border near Antelope Wells. The chicken coop only has three legs and leans badly. It’s propped up by some old brick repurposed from Cloverdale Creek. Fun fact: a burro can’t outrun an ATV. Also . . . rock salt hurts. Food? What food? Do you have a couple of dollars so MAMA can buy a cheeseburger from McDonald’s in Hobb’s?
MAMA gets up from the floor, makeup a mess, eyes puffy from crying, mascara streaking his (ok, HER) cheeks. S/He throws a haymaker at MAGA. MAGA sidesteps it and pushes MAMA while trapping S/his calf. MAMA stumbles to the floor. Once MAMA regains his composure he makes a puppy face aimed at MAGA, “Can I have my pudding now?”