All these houses in the Fan with beautiful shells and rotten souls sit dark. You never see anyone come or go. They just sit there, dark, like soulless has-beens. Damian was empty. His latest MMORPG Twitch stream took 40 hours to film. This squat he found, though, was money. Squatting aint homeless; It’s resource redistribution. Inger wasn’t using her Stuart Street home.
The mistake I made is asking Grok to change the following into Gen-X slang. I left it in because it’s hilarious.
Damian’s vibe was chill, dude, just crashin’ in Inger’s Stuart Street pad—empty, rad, and Inger’s ghostin’ it. Squattin’ ain’t homeless, yo; it’s jacking resources, totally tubular. Low on cash, he needed a spot. Charlie’s old squat was primo—Inger owns it, but she’s MIA. Plus, a door to Paradise Casino? Gnarly score, no bogus bus trek. Fly? Nah, no-fly list, bro—don’t ask.
Deadlocks? Psh, Damian’s hip to pickin’ ‘em. Inger’s smart home gizmos—locks, all that jazz—got owned. Slick talk, some hackin’, and bam, tech’s like, ‘You’re fam, dude!’ He’s chillin’, settlin’ in, feelin’ the groove.
A Place to Roost
Charlie’s gaming rig—busted down, piled in a servant’s room—some whack junk, but score! That tired Alienware R12 CPU? Too lame, yo. Back to the tech-junk pile. Damian’s Alienware M18’s the real deal, hookin’ up to Charlie’s rig with Dell’s WD19DCS—smooth vibes. The house’s 10GB service on Cat-8 cable? Tubular! Plug in, and bam—stream’s glowin’. Hello Bunny Ayu.
Then—crash, dude. Forty hours streamin’ straight is gnarly. Breakfast was dope, but Damian’s wiped, yo. That servant’s room—now a tech-dump—has a twin bed, cotton sheets, all made up. Could’ve been trash bags and nails, but he’s past carin’. Body’s toast, bro, snorin’ loud, maybe sleep apnea—whoa, for a young dude? It’s 6am, and he’s out cold, wheezin’ wild.”
The next day, dude—Damian’s phone’s blowin’ up, for real. Friends, streamin’ fans, fam—all hittin’ his inbox, all ‘Yo, you okay? What’s the 411?’ Sleep happened, bro, long enough to miss sunrise, wakin’ to a spring sunset, sky glowin’ orange. He’s still in Inger’s Stuart Street pad.
Intruder Alert
5pm, Paradise Valley, NV. Tala is cashing out her tips. It’s been a quiet, desert cool Tuesday at work. She asked for lunch and brunch shifts. Bottle service is better money but it comes with a cost. Around 10pm or so the clients get handsy. Lunch is more of Ojiisan’s friends. Old Japanese guys mostly. All gentleman, no trouble.
Tala goes to the American Cafe for lunch. She used to cook for Charlie but lately the good memories eating with him in the buffet gave her comfort. Asians staff the cafe so the rice is always good. The fish is really good. Coffee is subpar. So she usually drinks tea. A good day at work.
Movin’ Charlie out of the dorm was a two-suitcase deal, simple. Inger still kept a bunch of his stuff at her Stuart Street house in the Fan, Richmond. Inger offered Tala the house in exchange for housekeepin’—a couple bedrooms, a galley kitchen in the basement, plus that door in a bedroom closet, glowin’ when it senses motion, leadin’ to the casino.
GTFO
Google Home alerts for an unknown person in Inger’s house. That’s not good. There are only a few people who have access to that house. Even fewer who have accounts that let them use the doors to travel between the house and the casino. Who the f*ck is the intruder?
Tala checked the cameras from her phone. All is quiet until the basement cameras. Nothing showed on video. Tala heard a sound she knows well. Charlie sounded like that when he tried to sleep. The unmistakable sound of a man with sleep apnea interruped her lunch.
Who is snoring? Charlie’s dead so it can’t be him. Inger? She wouldn’t snore like an asthmatic elephant. Damian is usually in the cafe around this time squatting at a table. Where is he? Wait a minute. Tala went back in the alert history. Two days before a dark haired guy was at the basement door messing with the lock for a minute or so then going inside. OMG!
LIVE! From the Fan
Dinner done. Coffee made. It’s late for the cube rats and early for Damian. Time to hook in and feed the hungry masses their meal of Genshin Impact streamed by Damian. PixelPhantom going live.
Busted
Meanwhile, Tala found the video of Damian breaking in and watched him eat, shower, log-in and stay online for the next 40 hours. Thank God for fast forward. He’s jacked in now. His attention is on the six screens of Charlie’s old gaming setup. She’s watching him and hearing his side of the chat.
Be careful who you pick fights with, Damian. Tala’s persona at work is a mask she wears so she gets tipped well. The attentive, doting orchid you know is a professional facade. Among her skills are a black belt in 日本古流柔術 and an A.S. in CIS/Networking. Damian is good. Tala is better.
He’s been online for a couple hours. Tala talked to Inger, letting her know that Damian is in Charlie’s old lair. She didn’t seem too concerned so Tala went about her day. One thing Inger shared with Charlie. She hates conflict. Boundaries are great until she is challenged. Then her move is to placate. Tala fights.
She Don’t Love You
Time to solve a problem named Damian. What account did he get into? Inger changed her passwords when she put Charlie out. But that’s been a minute. Who then? None of the girls knew. There was an account in Inger’s Google Home family group than none of the women recognized, “PixelPhantom”. Found him. PixelPhantom had admin rights.
So Tala started digging. PixelPhantom was listed as Herbert Leslie Glickman. Who the fuck? Then this happened—Tala’s laptop screen started glitching. Pop ups started appearing, “She loves me.” Who is “she“?
The wilting orchid schtick disappeared. Somebody was f*cking around. Time to help them find out. She dug through the event logs on her laptop to find a Powershell script run remotely to open MS Edge to pxf.to/hackfeed. That’s a hacker move. Delivered to C:\Users\Public, hidden and read only. Clever boy.
Git the Gittr Hub
It didn’t take long to scrub the laptop of Damian’s digital piss. Now to block Damian on the router. She watched his tantrum through the cameras. Epic. He plugged in a USB modem. Smart. She saw the attempt to get back on the house network. Not today, sir!
Tala put out a message to Inger and her friends through What’s App announcing Damian’s mischief. Inger tried to minimize it, saying he’s an awesome streamer and anyway, she doesn’t use the Stuart Street house. Ophie and Neesha felt different. He’s a creep. He likes Bunny Ayu, gross! It’s good that he’s blocked.
B’Bye Baby
Tala messaged Ophie and some contractors for the Paradise Casino. This needed to be quiet but clear that Damian shall not tresspass on the Stuart Street House. No cops. Just skilled contractors who would remove the pig and his shit. His last day on Stuart Street was four days after he broke in. Because Inger is like that, they sent him away with a ham biscuit and a Diet Pepsi.
This time, the contractors hired a move-out crew to rehab the basement so it was restored to it’s fashion magazine glory. No trace of Charlie, (R.I.P.) or Damian. Good. The night before Charlie died he offered to watch “Reality Bites” with her. He’s been gone for a couple months. She needed the comfort of his memories. So she made some popcorn and started streaming the movie on Google Play. Damian is a tomorrow problem.
The next few days were a blur of routine. Ojiisan had a bunch of his Osaka friends visiting the Casino. They were dropping bank at the gaming tables and getting whale treatment. Tips? Not a thing for the Japanese. The Stuart Street house cameras were quiet. Tala glanced at her laptop. It was powered down. This message appeared, “You are DONE! She LOVES Me! Get Out of the Way!!” Ok, buddy.
An Expensive Day
Damian was booming before the connection dropped. He shifted to LTE and didn’t lose much. The dropped connection was a warning shot. In the middle of his Twitch Stream his browser gets hijacked. He can’t close the browser window. There is a short message on a full-screen, black background, “She loves you not. Tala has spoken.” Who is this bitch Tala?
She just threw down. Ok, bitch, game on. Damian had followers and fans. He’d have her doxed and shut down in a heartbeat. Bitch Tala, feel the power of PixelPhantom’s fandom.
Then he hears footsteps above him. Followed by flashlights clearing the room. Next, the power goes out. Rookie move, I’ve got LTE and my laptop has a full-charge. Except, these guys are in tactical gear and don’t look friendly, “Get down on your knees!” The words, “fuck me!” flash through Damian’s mind. “Get on my knees for what? I ain’t done nothing. Are you the cops?”
“Friends of Inger. You are leaving!”
“I ain’t leaving. She’s my girlfriend and she let me stay here because she loves me.”
A small, old Asian guy in a Hong Kong tailored suit spat Japanese words at him, “彼女はお前のガールフレンドじゃねえ、クソ外人嘘つき野郎！今すぐこの家から出てけ、さもないとお前にとっちゃ最悪なことになるぜ！” It sounded like pissed off rats screaming at him. Damian didn’t understand the words He did understood the tone of voice, the tactical gear and the AR style pistols.
Know When to Run
The eviction team hit the house at 4:00am. Damian was out by 5am. The Fan is asleep at that hour. Buses are on an overnight schedule. Morning commute wouldn’t be for another hour. Nothing to do but start walking. McLean’s opens at 6am. Time to think. If he could hack into one of the fobs for the doors to Paradise Casino . . .
Now that I am retired I have too much time. It took over a decade to complete 365 posts. With nothing better to do I hope the next 365 will be completed sooner. Wednesdays were my release date. Expect new content every Wednesday.