Cold Dish

Choices have consequences. Yeah . . . we know. We also know that revenge should be a cold dish. One more thing. Piranhas will eat koi.

Ophie bought Charlie’s Goochland farm. He left an expensive mess that included an underground bugout shelter infested with rats and cockroaches. It was also looked at by the Sheriff, who decided that the weapons and ammo should be confiscated. Then a Ford Explorer was discovered on the property that showed up as stolen. So far, nothing Ophie couldn’t afford to have taken care of.

There is one more thing. Charlie lost so much face when Aphrodite (Ophie) did a 15-minute set at Saito-san’s Paradise Casino that he vowed he’d get revenge. It was only one set and she was in pasties and a g-string. But it was enough. Charlie rant from the dance club and went to his room. It was on.

Next, piranhas are not legal in both Nevada or Virginia. They are an invasive and predatory species. Ophie is very much a mama bear who fears climate change and worries about non-native species existing in places where they don’t belong. Her Gunn Road house is planted with native grasses and plants. She gets a bit of shade from her neighbors because she doesn’t rake leaves or mow her lawn. It’s ugly to those who want golf course green and short grass. In her defense, it’s a wooded lot with very little direct sunlight. So there is wisdom to her landscape design.

Charlie’s Hot Dish

Charlie heard about the koi pond. Coworkers and the casino gossiped about Ophie and her work to refurbish the farm. He decided to make her pay for his embarrassment. That bitch would suffer as he suffered. There are piranhas in a tank on display in the high roller roulette room. Legality isn’t something Saito-san worries about. Piranha vs. koi should be a satisfying show.

There are YouTube videos of this. Those are good in a sick way. Most people are good. But most people don’t create content that gets them monetized on social media. Nor do writers like myself write about most people. We write about Ophie and Charlie who should just let it go. Let it go? What would be the fun in that?

So Charlie the pot washer began to scheme. He had to get fish from Nevada to Virginia without killing them or getting bit. Yes, there are doors in this story that transport you from where you are to the Paradise Casino. That part is easy. Water, a bucket, and a reason to be off-work were the hard parts. Also knowing if Ophie had finished the pond and put koi in it.

The Cold Dish Plan

Getting a bucket isn’t hard. Restaurants receive chemicals and products in five-gallon buckets. These are well made with a rubber seal in the lid. Example? Pickles. I use a pickle bucket to brine pork ribs. Good stuff. Water & fish weren’t a problem. A reason to be off-work? He is scheduled for six days most weeks so this would be a day-off endeavor.

The biggest hurdle is the transportation of illegal fish. I don’t imagine the TSA would be happy to handle a bucket of illegal fish. FedEx, UPS or the post office? I doubt it. All three want to know what they are shipping so they don’t get in trouble. Those doors? You need a dongle attached to your account at the casino. Charlie has a dongle but it gives him employee access to parts of the back of the house. Those doors? No bueno.

Before that, though, Charlie had to get them from Saito’s pond and into a bucket. Catching piranhas bare-handed turns out to be difficult. Fast, slippery little buggers. Use a net? What net? Charlie washes pots in a casino. He’d have to explain a net to his Phillipene minders. Even Charlie has his limits on what he can get away with.

So his plan was to get into a pond full of hungry Piranhas and catch some of them. Does your crotch hurt thinking about this? It should. Let’s just say the place he got bit is hard to bandage. And his little swimmer inventory was halved. No, kids, not explaining that. Ask your Mom.


So here is what happened. Charlie got a bucket and filled that with water. He doesn’t have swim trunks so he stripped down to his tighty-whities. Stop it. Pasty white boy with a beginner’s beer belly. So quit the fantasies. The fish pond is at the front of Charlie’s favorite buffet. He walks over the pond and the piranhas every lunchtime.

The pond is maintained by the dishwashers. Not obvious to the public from the surface is a perforated lexan panel that keeps the fish penned when the pond is being serviced. Also, piranhas dislike open water. So off-hours they are not easily spotted. They tend to congregate behind the lexan panel hidden by water plants.

No fish net. Instead, a colander most often used to rinse cooked rice is all Charlie had. So . . . that’ll do. Charlie gave himself a little top-shelf liquid courage and waded in. The pond at its deepest is about two feet. Just enough to wet the crotch of Charlie’s tighty-whiteys. No visible fish. Smart fish, dumb Charlie.

Fun fact, ponds like this are slippery. It’s hard to keep your feet if you aren’t careful. A side effect of that liquid courage is that care and balance fade. So Charlie, trying to reach where the piranhas hid, slipped and fell. He hit his head on the bridge over the pond and was now laying on his back flailing and trying to get his head above the water. This was the longest fifteen seconds of his life.

Beavis and Butt-Head Cold Dish

That’s Not Red Die

Then he felt them nibbling his crotch. This pasty white boy levitated out of the pond and onto the hostess pad by the door of the buffet. He was bleeding from his short and curlies. It didn’t hurt much. But there was a lot of blood.

God loves fools and children. Charlie might be both. He attempted his theft at 4:30 am a half-hour before his shift usually started. It takes an hour to get the buffet ready for breakfast service at 6:0am. The bakers started the night before. So Charlie starts his day with all the pans used by the bakers. Front-of-the-house staff start showing up just before 5 am. So he’s there at the hostess station sobbing, bleeding, soaking wet, colander in his left hand, and no fish. One of his Phillipene minders is a hostess that starts her day a little before 5 am, “CHARLIE!! Are you ok?” He is not ok.

“Charlie! Sit. Let me get you some help. What were you doing? Why is your crotch bleeding?”

Charlie is too out of it and can’t answer. A knot is growing where his head hit the bridge. He sits, legs out straight, sobbing, “Why can’t I do anything right?”
“Bae, relax. Let me take care of you”. The hostess turns on the headset she uses to talk to the wait staff, asks for a shift manager, and bit by bit the calvary comes running. “Charlie, you can be so stupid. What were you trying to do? Is this about Ophie? You need to leave her alone.”

The casino has a nurse station for patrons that need first aid. Charlie got a few stitches, a jailhouse jumpsuit, and a night in a holding cell at the casino. The piranhas weren’t hungry for a while.