Licke Me

“Licke” is a deliberate misspelling. It is a mashup of “lick” and “like”. You will find several misspellings in this piece. I didn’t just suddenly forget my B.A. in English. I don’t have dementia (yet). Comments telling me I made mistakes in writing this will not get approved.

Some talk radio bimbo was on CNN or MSNBC or whatever complaining that Ted Cruz wasn’t a very likeable (lickable?) ape. This was a comment on his debate performance. All of a sudden I had a twitch in my foot that would not stop. I had to suppress an urge to throw the TV remote at my TV, “likeable”!? Obama was likeable. His pimp hand was strong. We haven’t awakened from the morning after his disappearance from the national stage.

Bernie Sanders is a silverback, grumpy pimp-daddy who promises to make everything fair and buy me the cell phone & Cadillac I heard Obama promise and never delivered to me. Sanders tells us that the problem is that we didn’t turn enough tricks, that we haven’t tried hard enough. Billary is just degrees more deviously mamma-bear and otherwise just Sanders with ovaries.

Change isn’t likeable. Change sucks. Ask any newly recovering addict what it’s like to quit being an addict. Not fun. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Some lose people, places, things that supported their addiction. This is where we are as a country. We are addicted to a pimp-daddy government who keeps promising us more of what the wealthy have through his generosity and in actuality demands more of us, taking our liberty and abusing us when we don’t give him what he wants.

We’ve had a century of socialism. For a hundred years populist demagogues have promised us a chicken in every pot, 40 acres of land, a mule, taxing the rich to make things fair, jobs programs, free medical care, free education, free housing, that cell phone and the Cadillac. The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans has been the pace at which the size of the government has increased and what percentage of our tax dollar goes to bullets or po’ folk. Jimmy Carter was a very likeable pimp-daddy. That went well. A likeable president makes me even more suspicious of the government than I already am.

We have crossed the pass. It will not get higher. All our roads lead into a valley. We can walk the ridge for a while but even that ridge will one day carry us into a valley. Our choice is which valley and how painful the descent will be. The Democrats want to offer us a phallacy. They claim  that we have not mounted the pass, that there is further to go up the mountainside. The road ahead offers more money to the middle class and less money to the rich. They are again cooing in our ear about all the nice things they will buy us if we just let them lead for four more years. They are lying.

The Republicans are just socialist pimps of a lighter shade of pink. They also promise us gifts after we get out there and turn more tricks for them. They promise not to beat us as bad as those awful Democrats. Right. They are not promising to stop beating us. Just beat us less. That’s comforting, really.

Enter Trump, who is every bit the establishment but starts a shtick where he promises that he’s a really, really rich pimp who can make those mean Democrats and Republicans be nice to us. Trump, though, is a pussy of the first order. His pimp hand is rather weak. He never says pacifically what he’ll buy us. Just that he’ll make us great again. That said, after a century of badly behaved pimps, an old, toupee topped pimp in an expensive suit makes our crotch quiver with delight. We want him. Though, pimps be pimps. That this one is rich just means he’s not being honest about how much of a son-of-a-bitch he is.

Ted Cruz. He’s Cuban. He’s not a pimp. He’s a lawyer. He’s a former solicitor general for Texas. He’s the enemy. Now he wants to be president. We don’t like him. We want change but Cruz is a flavor of change that creeps us out.

Yet, our anus is sore from all the in & out by a century of politicians. We are tired of the broken promises and abuse. We are sick & tired of being sick and tired. We are at the pass and the valley below where our pimp-daddy has a house looks a lot like that one of the shadow of death talked about in Psalm 23. Cruz is Cuban and is of the man. He’s exactly the wrong guy but the right, likeable guy has been ass-fucking us for a century.

It’s still the second act. The story isn’t over. We have to pick a road down into a valley where we will find our leaders and the next act in this story. I’m tired of likeable pimp-daddies who keep promising me things and then asking me to fit an overly large dildo up my anus. Cruz may be a mistake but at least he isn’t like the other apes who have shiny teeth and suspiciously nice suits.